Coercive control

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour where someone in a relationship uses intimidation, threats, isolation, or manipulation to control the other person. It doesn't have to involve physical violence — it's about one person gradually taking away the other person's freedom, confidence, or independence. In the UK, it's a criminal offence.

• Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behaviour in a relationship — not a one-off argument.
• It's been a specific criminal offence in England and Wales since 2015 (and in Scotland and Northern Ireland under similar laws). [CHECK: NI specific legislation]
• It can include monitoring someone's phone, controlling who they see, telling them what to wear, threats, financial control, and more.
• It doesn't have to be physical. Emotional and psychological abuse counts.
• It can happen in any relationship — straight, gay, any age, any background.

What it looks like

Coercive control can be hard to spot because it often starts small and builds up over time. In the early stages, it might even feel like someone caring about you a lot. But there's a big difference between a partner who cares and a partner who controls.

Some examples of coercive control:

• Checking your phone, messages, or social media constantly
• Getting angry or upset if you spend time with friends or family
• Telling you what to wear or how to look
• Making you feel like everything is your fault
• Threatening to hurt themselves if you try to leave
• Controlling your money or not letting you have any independence
• Isolating you from people who care about you
• Using put-downs, insults, or humiliation — then telling you it was "just a joke"
• Tracking your location or demanding to know where you are at all times

One or two of these on their own might not mean someone is being controlling. But when they form a pattern — when someone regularly does multiple things on this list and you feel like you're walking on eggshells — that's coercive control.

Why it matters for young people

Coercive control isn't just something that happens to adults. It happens in teenage relationships too, and it can be harder to recognise when it's your first relationship and you don't have anything to compare it to. If your partner makes you feel anxious, scared, or like you have to change who you are to keep them happy — that's not normal, even if they say it's because they love you.

It can also happen through technology. Demanding passwords, monitoring Snapchat activity, getting angry about who you follow, or pressuring you to share your location 24/7 — these are all forms of digital coercive control.

The law

In England and Wales, coercive or controlling behaviour in an intimate or family relationship is a criminal offence under Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. It carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison. Scotland has similar legislation under the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018. [CHECK: NI legislation]

This means that even without physical violence, a pattern of controlling behaviour can be reported to the police and prosecuted.

Things people get wrong

"It's not abuse if they don't hit you." Coercive control is legally recognised as abuse in the UK. You don't need bruises for it to be real or serious.

"They only act like that because they love me." Love doesn't involve controlling someone. Jealousy that leads to monitoring, isolation, or threats isn't passion — it's control.

"I can't report it because nothing 'big' has happened." A pattern of smaller controlling behaviours is exactly what the law is designed to address. You don't have to wait for it to escalate.

Things people ask about coercive control

How do I know if my relationship is controlling or just intense?

Ask yourself: do I feel free to see my friends, make my own choices, and be myself? Or do I feel like I'm constantly managing the other person's reactions? A healthy relationship — even an intense one — doesn't make you feel scared, trapped, or like you're shrinking.

What if it's my friend's relationship, not mine?

If you're worried about a friend, you can talk to them — gently, without ultimatums. Let them know you're there. You can also contact a helpline for advice on how to support them.

Can it happen in friendships too?

Yes. While the law specifically covers intimate and family relationships, controlling and manipulative behaviour can happen in any relationship, including friendships. The same red flags apply.

What if they threaten to hurt themselves if I leave?

This is a common tactic of control. Their mental health is not your responsibility. If you're worried they might hurt themselves, you can tell a trusted adult or call emergency services — but that doesn't mean you have to stay.

Where to get help

• Childline (0800 1111) — free, confidential support for under-19s. You can call, chat online, or email about anything, including relationships.
• Women's Aid — support for anyone experiencing domestic abuse, including young people. They also have a chat service.
• Galop — support specifically for LGBTQ+ people experiencing abuse or coercive control.
• The police (999 in an emergency, 101 for non-emergency) — coercive control is a crime and can be reported.

Coercive control is when one person in a relationship tries to control the other person. It's not about one argument. It's a pattern — the same kind of behaviour happening again and again.

It can look like lots of different things. Checking someone's phone all the time. Getting angry if they see their friends. Telling them what to wear. Making them feel like everything is their fault. Threatening to hurt themselves if the other person tries to leave. Tracking where they are.

It doesn't have to involve hitting or physical violence. Making someone feel scared, small, or trapped is enough.

This can happen to anyone — boys, girls, in any kind of relationship. It can happen to teenagers too, not just adults. It can also happen through phones and social media, like demanding passwords or getting angry about who someone follows.

In the UK, coercive control is a crime. Even without physical violence, the police can get involved if someone is being controlled in a relationship. You don't have to wait for things to get worse before asking for help.

If a relationship makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells or you can't be yourself, that's not love. That's control.