Boundaries

Boundaries are the personal limits you set about what you're okay with — physically, emotionally, and sexually. Everyone's boundaries are different, and they can change depending on the situation, the person, or how you're feeling. Having boundaries isn't being difficult — it's a basic part of looking after yourself.

• Boundaries are your personal limits about what you're comfortable with.
• They apply to all kinds of relationships — friendships, family, romantic, sexual.
• Boundaries can change. What you're okay with today might not be what you're okay with tomorrow.
• Someone who respects you will respect your boundaries. Someone who doesn't is showing you a red flag.

What boundaries actually look like

Boundaries aren't always big dramatic lines in the sand. They can be small, everyday things:

• Not wanting to be hugged by someone you don't know well
• Saying you're not ready to send photos of yourself
• Telling a friend you don't want to talk about something
• Not wanting to be tickled, even if someone thinks it's funny
• Deciding you want to stop during a sexual encounter, even if you said yes earlier

Some boundaries are physical (what you're comfortable with someone doing to your body), some are emotional (what topics or behaviours you're okay with), and some are digital (what you share online, who can message you, what you're comfortable seeing).

Setting them

You don't always have to announce your boundaries in advance or write them out in a list. Sometimes you discover them in the moment — you realise something doesn't feel right, and you say so. That's valid.

The tricky bit is that setting boundaries sometimes feels awkward, especially if you're worried about upsetting someone or being seen as uptight. But a boundary is just you knowing what's okay for you. You don't need to justify it, explain it, or apologise for it.

In practice, it can sound like: "I'm not comfortable with that," "I don't want to do that," "Can we stop?" or just "No." Short and clear works.

When someone doesn't respect them

If someone keeps pushing after you've said no, makes you feel guilty for having a boundary, ignores what you've told them, or tries to convince you that your boundary is wrong — that's a problem. It doesn't matter whether it's a friend, a partner, a family member, or someone online.

People who repeatedly cross your boundaries are showing you that they don't respect you. In relationships, this can be a sign of coercive control or emotional abuse. If it keeps happening, it's worth talking to someone you trust.

Boundaries go both ways

It's just as important to respect other people's boundaries as it is to have your own. If someone tells you they're not comfortable with something, the right response is to listen and adjust — not to push, negotiate, or take it personally. "I don't want to" is a complete sentence, whether it comes from you or from someone else.

Things people ask about boundaries

What if I don't know what my boundaries are yet?

That's okay. You don't have to have everything figured out. Pay attention to what makes you uncomfortable — that gut feeling is usually your boundary talking. You'll learn more about your limits as you experience more situations.

Is it okay to change my mind?

Yes, always. Boundaries aren't permanent. You might be okay with something one day and not the next, or consent to something and then want to stop halfway through. Changing your mind is normal, and anyone who makes you feel bad about it is in the wrong.

What if my friends don't respect my boundaries?

Good friends respect your limits. If a friend keeps doing something you've asked them to stop, that's worth a direct conversation. If they still don't listen, it might say something about the friendship.

How do I set a boundary without it being awkward?

It might feel awkward, and that's okay. Being direct helps: "I'm not into that" or "I'd rather not." Most people respond fine. The ones who react badly to a reasonable boundary are the ones you should be wary of.

Where to get help

• Childline (0800 1111) — free, confidential support for under-19s about anything, including relationships and feeling pressured.
• The Mix — support for under-25s on relationships, mental health, and difficult situations.

Boundaries are the limits you set about what you are okay with. They can be about your body, your feelings, or your personal space. Everyone's boundaries are different, and that is fine.

Boundaries can be big or small. Not wanting to be hugged by someone you do not know well is a boundary. Not wanting to send photos of yourself is a boundary. Wanting to stop doing something, even if you said yes earlier, is a boundary.

You do not always know your boundaries in advance. Sometimes you only realise something does not feel right when it happens. That is normal. Saying so in the moment is completely okay.

Setting a boundary can feel awkward, especially if you are worried about upsetting someone. But you do not need to explain or say sorry for your limits. It can be as simple as saying "I'm not comfortable with that" or just "no."

If someone keeps pushing after you have said no, makes you feel guilty, or tries to talk you out of your boundary, that is a problem. People who care about you will respect your limits.

Boundaries go both ways. It is just as important to respect other people's limits as it is to have your own. "I don't want to" is a full answer, whether it comes from you or someone else.